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Fantasy » alt.fan.pratchett » [I] Birthdays - and it's plowin' time, folks!
| [I] Birthdays - and it's plowin' time, folks! [message #267143] |
Di, 16 Mai 2006 00:51 |
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(Skippy, wearing a pair of Oshkosh B'Gosh overalls, a straw hat and
the latest in cool sunglasses, is in the seat of a dilapidated
tractor, ready to plow one of the fields on the Skippy farm complex.
He's having a difficult time getting the confounded piece of
machinery started. He cranks and cranks the starter, finally sits
back and begins to sing.)
Farming on the northern Plains, milking cows, growing grains,
Keeping all the silos full, being agricultural.
Pray for rain, load the truck, listen to the chickens cluck,
Work all day, sleep all night, work the next day.
(Instrumental break as Skippy cranks the starter again.)
Wife went to the store, I go out to do the chores;
Up on the tractor `cause I gotta go plow.
Field work's not done, but the tractor won't run.
Pop the clutch, turn the key, nothing seems to work for me!
We couldn't start the tractor, it's the carburetor or the alternator.
We couldn't start the tractor, she is in position, but there's no ignition.
(Skippy pumps the gas pedal and the clutch.)
Turn the key `round and `round, starter doesn't make a sound.
Kick the tire, scratch my head, get the tools out from the shed.
Maybe it's electrical, maybe it's mechanical,
Maybe I can plow with the family car.
(Skippy hops down and begins doing interesting things to the engine.)
Change the filter, change the oil, radiator starts to boil;
Fill it up with antifreeze, spilling some upon my knees.
Check the motor every night, something isn't fitting right;
Keeps on leaking every day - puddles in the driveway!
We couldn't start the tractor, Oh, I tried to choke it, but I think
I broke it.
We couldn't start the tractor, radiator's hissing and the engine's
missing.
New points, new plugs, try to get out all the bugs;
Fan belt, battery, this tractor'll be the death of me!
Will it quit? Will it go? Will it start tomorrow?
Will insurance pay if I set it on fire?
Ay-ay-ay!
(Skippy hops into the seat again and cranks the starter one more
time.)
John Deere, JI Case, Allis-Chalmers in my face,
Oliver won't run - try a Massey-Ferguson;
Sell the car, sell the bull, buy an International:
Seems whichever one I drive, I can't keep the thing alive!
We couldn't start the tractor, I am in a panic, need a good mechanic.
We couldn't start the tractor, all the fuel she's pumping on the
ground is dumping.
(The engine, to everyone's surprise, catches and settles down, more
or less, into a steady thrum-thrum-thrum. Actually, it's more like
pop-BANG!-pop-pop-groooaaaan-BANG-BANG_BANG-cruunnncchh. Best not to
dwell on what the "cruunnncchh" is.)
Finally got the thing to run, thought that my repairs were done.
Better be! I had to make seven trips to town.
Take it out through the gate, still won't steer straight,
Radio's dead, and the fan's broke down.
GPS satellite isn't working quite right.
I don't know what to do: it says I'm farming in Peru!
(Skippy manages to get the tractor into the field, where he doesn't
even come close to plowing a straight line.)
We couldn't start the tractor, oh, the power take-off is about to
break off.
We couldn't start the tractor, it makes me homicidal when it just
won't idle.
In the field, running fine, coming to the section line,
Try to stop; now the tractor won't shut down.
Can't get it out of gear, say a prayer, shed a tear.
Starter key breaks in two - I don't know what to do!
Steering gear starts to burn - stupid tractor won't turn!
Tractor driver's pretty dense, take out 40 feet of fence.
In a rut gets stuck, crash into the pickup truck.
Radio, warn the spouse, think I'm heading for the house!
We couldn't stop the tractor, everybody duck! Because the clutch is
stuck.
We couldn't stop the tractor, until I'm out of gas, I'll just go on,
and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on, and on.
(The tractor looks like it's weaving around the field in random
patterns, but an aerial photo - taken by Skippy and Skippy in one of
the Skippys' private planes - shows that the furrows form out words:
HAPPY, BIRTHDAYS TO JACQUI, DAVID WAY, CURIOSITY, GABRIEL KRABBE, ANTHONY
WALTON, ROB VINES, TAMAR, TOM PEARSON, PLEEGWAT, PAUL E. SOMETHING-OR-OTHER,
BELVADERE, NICHOLAS WOLVERSON, BANCROFT GRACEY, TIGER AKA ANNA
BERTIE-ROBERTS, CATJA, SIMON "THE MOODYBLUE" COZENS, STIG M. VALSTAD, GEIR
GRANUM, MELINDA, ANN MARIE CHALKLEY AND ANYONE ELSE FROM THE SECOND HALF OF
MAY THAT WE'RE FORGETTING! REMEMBER, TO GET ON THE BIRTHDAY LIST, SEND THE
PROPER INFORMATION TO birthdays [at] lspace.org . It's a very big field.)
We couldn't stop the tractor, I am getting thinner, `cause I'm missing
dinner.
We couldn't stop the tractor, I can't make a profit, if I can't get off it.
We couldn't stop the tractor, the way this thing is driving, hope I'll be
surviving.
We couldn't stop the tractor.
Look out!
Emma, get the car and follow me!
Emma, stop this crazy thing!
Call the county agent!
Oh - I just built that!
Oh, my alfalfa!
I hope people have great birthdays!
Paul, who leans toward John Deere himself
"We Couldn't Start the Tractor" by Mylo Hatzenbuhler, based on "We Didn't
Start the Fire" by Billy Joel. All copyrights apply.
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| Re: [I] Birthdays - and it's plowin' time, folks! [message #267168 ] |
Di, 16 Mai 2006 02:57 |
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Post removed (X-No-Archive: yes)
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| Re: [I] Birthdays - and it's plowin' time, folks! [message #267188 ] |
Di, 16 Mai 2006 08:42 |
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On 2006-05-15, pjamison2 <pjamison2 [at] cox.net> wrote:
>
> (The tractor looks like it's weaving around the field in random
> patterns, but an aerial photo - taken by Skippy and Skippy in one of
> the Skippys' private planes - shows that the furrows form out words:
> HAPPY, BIRTHDAYS TO JACQUI, DAVID WAY, CURIOSITY, GABRIEL KRABBE, ANTHONY
> BERTIE-ROBERTS, CATJA, SIMON "THE MOODYBLUE" COZENS, STIG M. VALSTAD, GEIR
Thank you. Took me right back to when I was a calf on the farm
that one. Except we of course prayed for the rain to stop rather
than just praying for rain.
--
Stig M. Valstad
"Bob did look dampish, inasmuch as the rain was streaming
from his neck, elbows, cuffs, skirts, and knees." Dickens
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| Re: [I] Birthdays - and it's plowin' time, folks! [message #267206 ] |
Di, 16 Mai 2006 10:09 |
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pjamison2 wrote:
>
> I hope people have great birthdays!
Seconded, and thanks for another good one.
> Paul, who leans toward John Deere himself
I remember my grandfather's Fordson Major fondly, myself. Now we've got
a Volvo.
Orjan
--
The Tale of Westala and Villtin
http://tale.cunobaros.com/
Fiction, Thoughts and Software
http://www.cunobaros.com/
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| Re: [I] Birthdays - and it's plowin' time, folks! [message #267327 ] |
Di, 16 Mai 2006 22:42 |
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Also Sprach pjamison2:
<snip great song>
Random, but relevent anecdote.
Many years ago someone of my aquaintence was expounding a
theory that you could tell a lot about someone the name
"Fergie" immediately suggested Sarah Fergusson, Duchess of
York, or Alex Fergusson, the then Scotland manager. I was
pretty certain my Dad (football fan, vaguely republican) would
be in the latter camp. Instead, he invented a new category.
Yes, as far as my Dad was concerned, the name "Fergie"
obviously referred to the Fergusson TE20...
--
Dave
Official Absentee of EU Skiffeysoc
http://www.eusa.ed.ac.uk/societies/sesoc
"What do monsters have nightmares about?"
"Me!"
-The Doctor
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